Say it to yourself

Assalamualaikum

interaction time

bila korang yang masih tengok blog ni share something 

macam 

motivational quote ke

atau some ceramah islamik ke

adakah korang share for someone else untuk tengok

atau share sebagai peringatan untuk diri sendiri

Once upon a time

I stumble to this

Jangan jealous dengan apa yang tuhan bagi dekat orang lain

sebab apa yang tuhan dah tentukan untuk dia

memang akan dapat kat dia

tak akan dapat kat kau

atau orang lain pun

dan 

apa yang tuhan dah tentukan untuk kau

memang akan dapat kat kau

tak akan dapat kat orang lain

tuhan tak akan buat silap dalam menentukan rezeki

so

tak payah jealous la kan

jealous macam mana pun

dengki macam mana pun

buruk buruk kan orang tu macam mana pun

kau tak akan dapat jugak 

apa yang tuhan dah bagi kat dia

at that time aku macam ok next

but then recently

some things happen

and I reminded of that quote

and i really needed that

tapi 

susah gilaaaaaaaaaa

susah bila tengok orang lain yang dapat

orang lain yang dapat naik gaji

orang lain yang dapat kerja tu

orang lain yang mampu untuk buat benda tu

orang lain yang dapat 

benda yang memang kau inginkan sejak sekian lama

dan tengok diri sendiri

masih lagi macam tu

masih di tempat sama

and I know

I should not felt jealous

I really want to be happy for them

I really do

but it soooo hard

dah jealous nak buat macam mana

I always thought that 

its not that kau jangan rasa jealous

its about controlling yang emotion

and I've been trying really hard just to put up a smile

and lets just leave it at that

nah gambar

sekian

somehow I understand

 Assalamualaikum

since aku geram 

so here a second entry of the day

for those yang tak tahu lagi

aku dah resign

sebab aku macam tak sanggup nak pjj dengan wife aku

some more sekarang dah ada anak

so aku decide untuk resign dan mula hidup baru 

dekat dengan keluarga aku

dan pesanan daripada ayah mertua aku

mertua ke mentua

perlahan lahan lah bina keluarga baru

kita ni bukanlah orang senang

tak payah berangan pasal kereta la

cari lah kebahagiaan dengan cara tersendiri

ok aku sentap

anyway

sementara nak tunggu dapat kerja baru ni

aku balik kampung wife aku sekejap

dia pun tak balik kampung since bulan 3 masa pkp start haritu

given keadaan aku sekarang ni

aku macam malas gilaaa nak berjumpa dengan orang

tiap kali jumpa sedara-sedara

mesti tanya apa cerita

cuti sampai bila ni

and aku nak kene explain tiap kali orang tanya

haaiiihh

and theenn

ada lah some sedara mara yang bermasalah

macam low self esteem

tak datang melawat mana-mana

macam menyendiri

then bila dengar cerita pasal dia 

aku macam faham jeee

yes

sekarang ni keadaan susah

nak cari kerja baru bukan senang

bila cari-cari tak jumpa tu 

stress lah jugak

lepas tu bila orang tanya

nak jawab apa pulak

penatlah

haaaiiihhh

semoga keadaan semakin baik

so nah gambar anak aku

hadap lah

since aku tak upload sangat kat social network

aku letak kat sini lah 

yang somewhat private ni

Its a curse

 Assalamualaikum

somehow

aku rasa aku ni macam dah kena sumpahan

every year on this date

mesti menyakitkan hati

aku take note since 2014 kot

maybe because I care too much

preparelah macam mana sekali pun

serius memang menyakitkan hati

sampai termimpi mimpi

tak tahu bila nak berhenti

tiap tahun pun macam ni

tak habis habis lagi

walaupun dah pernah berjanji

izinkan aku nak mencarut sekali

babiiiiiiiiiiiiii

anyway

supposely hari ni mark a new life

soooo

bismillah

semoga baik baik semuanya

Way Out of My League

 Assalamualaikum

so get this

sports car = kereta sukan

design yang lebih sporty is design yang lebih bersukan

haaa???

it sounds weird but I get the point

so takpelah

anyway

since lately ni aku macam berminat dengan kereta kan

aku pun macam seronok lah bila ada orang borak-borak pasal kereta ni

macam boleh lah aku nak masuk dalam perbualan diorang

diorang is my sanak saudara semua lah

tapi

perbualan diorang memang membuatkan aku terdiam habis

mana taknya

sorang bawak audi

sorang jenis modify-modify kereta

and cara diorang sembang macam kereta-kerata ni

boleh beli macam beli pisang goreng

salah satu ayat diorang

"lepas ni nak beli kereta tu pulak lah sebab lepas setahun dua ni harga dia drop dah"

by kereta tu I mean volkswagen tiguan

and dia baru je beli kereta baru tak sampai sebulan

dan aku pun berhuhuhuhu

 

aku ni pulak just ambik tahu je lah

takdelah macam nak beli pun

memang sekadar cuci-cuci mata je lah 

so 

I need a cheaper hobby

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Downgrading

 Assalamualaikum

Since I have a few days left

I have to admit

aku dah start risau dah ni takdak kerja baru lagi ni

at this point 

memang aku kena berkompromi sikit dengan belanja aku

angan-angan nak beli phone baru

bai

tapi kalau phone dah memang tak boleh on

terpaksa lah beli baru

tapi kene downgrade sikit lah daripada dream phone tu kan

angan-angan nak pergi jalan-jalan

bai

angan-angan nak beli barang-barang untuk rumah sewa nanti

bai

at this point

memang beli barang-barang Ilyas je

by the way

anak aku selepas sebulan baru sah taraf rakyat malaysia

baru dapat surat beranak

kenapa dah sebulan baru dapat surat beranak

sebab kerja banyaaaaaakk

sekarang ni lah aku ada masa sikit nak pergi jpn

so tulah dia

nak cakap

anak aku dah ada surat beranak

nama dia

Muhammad Ilyas bin Muhammad Azam 

bin Muhammad Zaki bin Yaacob

bin Yahya bin Ilyas

he was named after my great great grandfather

so nanti memang aku kena buat wasiat lah

so that cucu aku nanti rotate balik yahya

so that nanti nama Azam tu reincarnate balik

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The things I desired the most

Assalamualaikum

so I just remembered a scene from friends

and now that Im resigning

I've been thinking

what should I do next

Now that I'm jobless

I should be able to do want I wanted to do the most

I should pursue my dream job

well 

to be honest

I like teaching

my dream job would be a teacher or a lecturer

but that road seems to be closed

If I want to be a lecturer

I should get my phd first

and getting a phd wont pay my bills

and even when I get my phd

theres no guarantee that I can get a lecturer position

another thing is

in this day and age

becoming a streamer or a youtuber seems like a decent job

but I am an old fashion person

I have my skeptical

So

what should I do

what should I work on

the one thing that always stick in my head

"takkan nak kerja macam ni sampai umur 50"

"nak buat lab analysis sampai umur 50 ke"

since umur pencen is 56 to 60

but as a private sector emloyee

I dont think we can work until we are 50

even 45 seems like not fit enough to work

there are a lot of young graduates 

what can I offer at 45

I always think that when Im 45 

its not suitable for me to do the things that Im doing now

Im too old for that

but for me to pencen and stay at home at 45

Im too young for that

so 

it seems like I need to find a work

that can last long

cikgu je la yang boleh kerja sampai pencen umur 60

ppnsyarah pun dah tua2 pun boleh sambung kontrak lagi

tapi kalau orang-orang yang kerja swasta ni

umur 45 da obselete dah

baik ambik fresh grad baru je

some says

at that age better we work at someplace that less stress

like petrol station

or guard

even then when Im job hunting

job like that require below age 45

entahlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

lets not think too much

just get a job

pay your bills

and hope dunia kiamat 

and mati yang baik

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I really could use a next year

Assalamualaikum

so

my life is a mess

I dont know why

but things dont really goes well right now

I dont have things figured out yet

I cant make future plans

when my wife is in labour

I am not really there

I was at work

busy gile kot masa wife aku nak bersalin tu

I dont even take paternity leave

because too much work

and the long distance

really hard

I just could not leave my wife and my son alone

so

I quit my job

and my last day is on 19 august 2020

and I dont have any back up job

and the weird thing is 

I dont really worry that much

why I am not worried

I am worried because I am not worried about this

I keep telling myself

nanti ada la tu kerja

but until now there's nothing

the good thing is

currently my life is debt free

so there's that

I finish pay for my car

I dont have student loans

I dont even have insurance

I know its important

but my finance does not allow me to take one right now

so the only commitment I have is

pay my house rent including the bills

and my asb loan

so there it is

life with debt free is somehow a stress relief

I dont worry that much

yeah sure I admit

sometimes I do get jealous seeing my friend

and even my brothers

getting new things buying new cars

minat kereta kan sekarang

but my current situation needs me to be really strict with my spending

I hold off buying new phones

until I get a new job

so

the plan is

after my last day

I go back to my hometown

until September

and when September comes

I moves to seremban with my family

and start a new life

start to look for a job

temp job is also an option

if I couldnt get a fixed job

september is also my birthday

so somehow in a way

when I turn 29 this year 

I start a new life

and if things dont work out by september

there's always new year

because

my life is such a mess right now

and I could really need a new year

a fresh start

sekian